Are you troubled by the thought that you might be a writer? If you can answer “true” to more than five of these questions, you could be right.
a) You brought your pen and notebook to bed with you on your wedding night.
b) At least 90% of your friends and relatives are no longer speaking to you.
c) The furious scratching of your pen has gotten you kicked out of a public place.
d) You dream in chapters.
e) You’ve stared at a blank screen for more than four hours.
f) You have the option of wallpapering at least one room in your house with rejection slips.
g) You’ve lied about your current occupation on a resume, listing something other than “writer.”
h) You get excited by paperclip sales.
i) You secretly stalk editors.
j) You’ve written on yourself with indelible ink because there was nothing else available.
k) You’ve rewritten a Shakespearean play because you thought you could make improvements.
l) You have strong masochistic tendencies.
m) Rejection has always been a personal goal.
n) Your dentist has advised you to stop chewing pencil erasers.
o) Your first name is Patience.
p) Your last name is Writer.
q) You’ve furtively taken drive-by pictures of your favorite author’s house (this could also be an indication that you’re a stalker – you’ll want to watch that).
r) You copyright your grocery lists.
s) You prefer bookstores to chocolate shops.
t) You spend more on postage than you do on rent.
u) You’ve gotten a traffic ticket for writing while driving.
v) You’ve never felt the need to mind your own business.
w) The smell of ink makes you swoon.
x) Scrabble is the only game in your closet.
y) Discovering anagrams is the only way you can truly relax.
z) Improving your vocabulary is always on your list of New Years Resolutions.
aa) Someone has said: “Step away from the keyboard” to you while using a bullhorn.
bb) You and your preschooler fight over the magnetic letters on your refrigerator.
cc) Your bathwater has turned your skin blue because your pen ran.
dd) Your journal is attached to your belt loops by a chain and padlock.
ee) You have a picture of a fountain pen tattooed anywhere on your body.
ff) You pour your heart and soul into your writing on a daily basis for no logical reason whatsoever.
Congratulations. You’re officially insane. And probably broke.