While killing time that should have been spent writing, today I clicked on an ad for Match.com. After all, you can look for free! Who doesn’t love that?
So, it took me about .00005 seconds to decide that I would do the dating world a service – men and women alike – and offer up some pointers to the fellas about what one should not do with their personals ad profile.
1. This is the most immediately obvious, and at least two out of ten men who have personal ads are offenders. Put on a shirt! What is it with all of these guys who post their quasi-nude photos? Would you approach a woman in a grocery store shirtless? In a library? Any other public meeting place? You would? Ok then. Leave the shirtless photo on your profile so unsuspecting women know what they’re getting into if they respond to you.
2. Do not use “Big Daddy” in your profile name. I cringe to think that upon reading that advice, some guy is going to grunt, “how come?” Because it’s nasty, that’s why! It’s supposed to be funny! Women don’t think it’s sexy. Really, we don’t. We do NOT want to date a man who uses the moniker “Big Daddy.” It also tells us that you’re just there for sex. If that’s the case, fine…but don’t think that we don’t see through your “looking for a real lady” gimmick when you go by “Big Daddy.”
3. So you really love that picture of yourself, but your ex-girlfriend is in it. You might not want to be Captain Obvious and crudely cut her out of the picture before you scan it, or use software like Paint to airbrush, in black, over her. It’s a little distracting. Gee, I don’t really know why.
4. Have you some baggage from that bad divorce or breakup? Work it out with a therapist first, if you must. Because sure, nothing’s going to get the women to line up for you like seeing the picture of a nice man followed by an “About Me” section that explains to all of your visitors how you can never trust a woman again after that witch tore your heart out. The only thing worse is when you follow that up with a pre-counseling session for you and your next partner. It goes something like this, “I know we’re going to have some hard times, but open communication is a must. We have to make time for each other, and respect one another.” Might as well stamp “freak” on your forehead.
5. Last but not least…women don’t like mushy and hoaky the way you think we do. Seriously, you like to take moonlit strolls? As if you even take the garbage out after dark. “Honey! C’mon! I don’t have my pants on and there’s mosquitos out there! The game’s in the fourth quarter! I’ll do it first thing in the morning, I promise!” Psht. And on his profile he said he was honest…