While you know some things just have to be coincidental, there is no denying the guilty pleasure of connecting those events into some half-assed conspiracy theory or freak sequence of one things invariably leading to the others. Such is the case with two stories we clearly blame on Hannah Montana, Disney’s inexplicable cash avalanche.
While the show has inspired such asinine behavior as inventing a fictitious fallen U.S. soldier, and has been harnessed by the Republicans for fund-raising, you knew the scourge was bound to spread, and inevitably, onto the big screen. While I am still trying to fathom the fact 27 Dresses has made $45 million as I am writing this, which just tells me a lot of guys took a bullet in the name of getting lucky the past two weekends, this was almost too much to bear, like that half-nauseous feeling a heavyweight fighter must feel as he is staggering around just as the knockout punch is on its way.
Haven’t we suffered enough this year already? 27 Dresses, Blonde Ambition, Blonde and Blonder (the Pam Anderson-Denise Richards blockbuster that has raked in over thirty-five grand in just two weeks), and now this? What can we expect next, a buddy cop flick with Tom Green and Pauly Shore? Larry the Cable Guy as MacBeth? Another seventeen “comedies” stealing (and failing with) the “little friend” bit from Scarface? Makes me want to take a Taco Bell spork, jam it in my eyes, and give it a twist.
Overwrought? Perhaps a bit. I’m sure many of you were thinking the same thing, but didn’t feel like peeling away from this magnificent column and other worth pursuits, like looking for new Britney upskirt pics, however it was you managed to cope with or internalize the word of a Hannah Montana movie on the horizon. I would sincerely hope you held together better than the unidentified teenager who went just a bubble off-center, forcing Southwest Airlines Flight 284 form Los Angeles to land in Nashville, Tennessee January 22.
While both yesholes from Southwest Airlines and Nashville International Airport confirmed there was an “incident,” and a passenger was removed and detained by authorities, obviously little more was said, as the passenger involved was a minor. Television stations WSMV and WTVF in Nashville, however, reported from an unnamed source the teenager boarded Flight 284 in L.A. in possession of handcuffs, duct tape, and rope in a failed bid to hijack the plane and crash it into a venue in Layfayette, Louisiana, where a Hannah Montana concert was scheduled to be performed.
See what I mean? Where I was merely content to write some amusingly sarcastic remarks about the Hannah Montana character and other ills of entertainment, others are more inclined to try and jackmove a pasenger jet and take out an arena. The question I need answered at this point, more so than why a teenager was quite that wound up over the Miley Cyrus character, was how an unaccompanied teenager boarded a flight at LAX with handcuffs, duct tape, and rope? Never heard of a S&M bonus in the Mile High Club, but now it kind of makes me wonder if that hasn’t been tried before…
Is this the beginning of a new, mass-marketing enabled teenage crime wave? Are we to expect bank heists in the future to finance a counter-strike against the producers of High School Musical 3? To paraphrase the great Kent Brockman, I for one welcome our new teenage criminal overlords…I just wish they would stay off my lawn…