You are a failure at life. Just admit it. Maybe you’ll turn it around, but let’s be honest; it’s not looking so great. May as well give up now and focus on a more realistic goal: looking successful. This way, you can look like you run a fortune 500 company when you really run the deep fryer at Wendy’s. Sounds pretty great, right? Simply follow these 7 steps and you’ll be the most successful looking man around!
1. Ruin your credit rating. Credit ratings are for pussies. Nobody sees them anyway; if anyone asks just lie. The first thing you’ll want to do is get a number of high limit credit cards. This will fund this entire operation. Once you have at least $100,000 of available credit, proceed to the next step.
2. Buy suits. Lots and lots of suits. Throw out every pair of non-suit related clothing you have right now. Since you can’t have the job you want, may as well dress for it. Wearing a suit represents how successful you are. Now, since you’re poor, you’ll probably want to sell your clothes on ebay. This will help get you your first suit. Over the course of the next 6 months, spend your Wendy’s check on nothing but suits. Glorious, glorious suits.
You don’t need to pay rent, your roommates will cover that. If you’d rather, just dip in to your credit cards. This will speed up the process.
3. Get unnecessary gadgets. Buy the latest and greatest gadgets. Try to be the lovechild of James Bond and Batman. If it has more than one function, get it. Sunglasses AND an MP3 player? Get the Amex. Sharper Image is your new Mecca, and you must travel there often.
You must get a Blackberry with a matching Bluetooth headset. Obviously, you need to wear the Bluetooth headset all the times. Not only does it make you look futuristic, but you want people to think that the calls are pouring in and can’t be stopped.
People know that Blackberrys mean business. If you have a Blackberry that says to people that you are so important that you can’t just be reached by the phone! You need to be able to be reached by phone, email, text, and that incredibly necessary push-to-talk feature.
4. Dress to imply success. You have suits. You have gadgets. Add on a gold watch a silver ring and you are ready. Make sure you have a belt clip for your Blackberry, and the MP3 sunglasses are visibly sticking out of your suit pocket. Any gadget that you have must be visible in some way, otherwise theres no point in having them.
Make sure to tan weekly. This makes you look like you may so much money you can afford to take vacations and build up tans! Your hair must contain no less than a quarter of a pound gel. Regardless of style, it must shine with the shimmer that only gel that provide.
5. Drive in style. Money is no object when it comes to your ride. Spend at least $40k on your car. Remember step one, just finance it. You can buy any new BMW or Mercedes, as long as its black or silver. Those are power success colors. Convertibles are even better; they allow people to see your suit and fancy gadgets. Remember, driving is one of the best times to lord your ‘success’ over everyone else. Get a customized license plate, classy chrome rims, a visual GPS unit, and any other bells and whistles that’ll convince people that you are the man.
6. Rush everywhere. Successful people are incredibly busy. They can’t be bothered to wait in line at Starbucks. If there is a line, pretend like you’re on the phone and simply walk near the counter and yell your order. They’ll make it. In the unlikely chance they don’t, cut to the middle of the line. You know, right in front of the emo kid, he won’t say anything. While in line loudly complain how unfair and stupid it is that you have to wait in line. Either pretend like your on the phone or make comments under your breath.
As previously touched on, your driving style makes a statement about you. Floor it as often as possible, and make sure to weave. Weaving and revving equal needing to be somewhere. Everyone knows successful people need to be places.
7. Be a douche. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing. Your goal is to be as arrogant, rude, and douchelike as possible. If the batteries you bought a year ago stop working, take them to Radioshack and demand a refund. When you approach a drive-thru, immediately and angrily shout your order. If they don’t get it, heavily sigh, and then repeat. In any situation that mildly inconveniences you, use this heavy sigh coupled with an under-the-breath-but-still-loud-enough-to-hear-across-the-room voice, for it is your greatest tool in acting like a douche. As a quick note, make sure you are suited up whilst being a douche. If a normally dressed man acts like a douche, he’s a douche. Conversely, if a man is wearing a suit acts like a douche, he’s a success!
If you’ve followed the above steps, you now appear to be successful! Make sure to frequent as many possible populated areas as you can. Airports, sporting events, busy sidewalks, restaurants, coffee shops, stores, and pretty much anywhere with people is where you now live.
Keep in mind that if you see someone being a douche and rushing from place to place while wearing a suit and talking on the phone they just want to make sure that you think they are successful!